Life of Lizardman
by The Great Red Dragon
Summary: A short, humorous account by Lizardman.


Ugh...here comes another wonderful day...  
  
I don't think anybody in the world has experienced Hell before they're put in my place: Lizardman from Soul Calibur.  
  
Are you surprised? Did you think that being a character in a hot action- game is gangs of fun? Think again!  
  
Here's my day: I get up at four o'clock every morning because some idiot kid has switched on the console early, and I barely have enough time to grab some coffee and a biscuit before I have to strap on that annoying armor that itches in the crotch and the armpits.  
  
Now, I have a nice long walk in usually-cold weather to whichever arena I'm supposed to fight in. This is true Hell, because it always seems like I'm climbing twenty-thousand stories up to the temple or fifty-billion stories down to the money-pit.  
  
Why is it always that I'm up against somebody I hate? Whenever the card comes up that shows me who my opponent is, it's always an idiot like Raphael or that slut Seung Mina. I can never have a good match with Talim or Kilik [who, I have to admit, are people of true integrity], who occasionally give me a shot at winning.  
  
You think I'm a good fighter? Like Hell I am! That damn sword I'm holding for you is made out of plastic, man! My shield is balsa-wood!  
  
And then the fights are so wonderful! Here comes Raphael, swinging his little rapier like the pretty-boy poser he is, and I have to tell him that I'm ready to get my ass kicked before he actually starts!  
  
Talk about humiliation! I try to lunge at him; he jumps behind me, pokes me in the ass, and eventually pushes me to a ring-out;  
  
"And now for my next magical trick..."  
  
And when I lose, I've got more bruises over me than an apple that's been thrown down a flight of stairs. I'm here picking up my weapons, thinking;  
  
"My paycheck had better be damn big...",  
  
And here comes Raphael with his damn accent;  
  
"Well, better luck next time."  
  
Yeah, I'll have better luck once I thrown down my sword and punch you in the face.  
  
Now I've got a five-minute coffee break [without any cream or sugar], in a cafeteria that's crowded like Hell with about a million Berserkers and Assassins.  
  
After this, I can run back up to some place that's bound to be at least fifteen miles away, and once I get there, it turns out that the player has decided that he's going to fight somebody else.  
  
At home, I don't get any sympathy either. My girlfriend's more cold-blooded than any reptile could be, and she lets me know that. If I walk in the door;  
  
"Damn, what a day-"  
  
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT WENT ON AT THIS HOUSE TODAY!?!"  
  
I have to work every day of the week except Sunday, but even then I don't get any sleep, because my girl insists upon taking me and the kids [they're not mine, I swear to God] to Church. And every time I stand up for Devotion, I don't stand up to testify, but to scream out something that I would get beat up on the street for, but not in Church [nobody fights in the House of God, remember that].  
  
If I've been 'good' throughout the week, my girl lets me out for a night, when I usually go to a bar with the other freaks like Astaroth, Voldo, and Yoshimitsu. By the way, it's an interesting fact, but ol' Yoshi lost more than his right arm in battle (don't ask; we don't have private showers in the locker room).  
  
We see that more attractive boys like Yunsung and Maxi walk past a lot, and they're always giving us looks from behind the twenty or so women that're flocking around them. You know how that pisses a guy off?  
  
But on the whole, I'm coping with it. I wear suits that're too large for me, I vomit all I can, and stand out in the snow for two hours before going to take a bath.  
  
But I'm warning you: my patience is wearing thin...  
  
The next time you pick up that controller, with an idea in mind that involves kicking my ass, think again. Because I know that people will be reading this, and the next time it looks like somebody's out to stick their sword or nunchukas or whatever the Hell ever up my ass, I WILL come through that TV screen and play YOU for a while. See how you like to be knocked into a pool of piss-smelling green liquid in that one stage. 


End file.
